WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF SOCIAL SPECULATION?

One of the things I do that I hate most is my mind naturally wanders to wondering what people think and feel about me. “Well, enough about me. Tell me about yourself! What do you think of me?” My parts that worry what others think of me start speculating among themselves, and I can experience an entire fantasy conversation without even being aware of what’s happening, until I “wake up” a few minutes later. This habit has gotten me through many a boring drive across town and mowing circles around our large yard. Upon surfacing, another part of me criticizes these parts for engaging in useless speculation. Usually, they just laugh at the critic and start over again with a new speculative conversation on a different subject.

When I hear other people talking about things in a speculative manner, “What do you think really happened? Why do you think he said that? What did she mean by that? What do you think they are going to do?” I find myself feeling irritable. If any of the speakers do what I naturally do, speak with authoritative certainty (“Well obviously they are going to do this because they must be feeling this way about it!”), I grow impatient. Especially if the speakers have access to those about whom they are speaking, and could simply call or text them and ask them.

The fear to reach out and ask someone an honest question, based on an expression of genuine concern, filets me. I feel a fiery question rising inside, “Why don’t you just ask them?! Why are you sitting here wasting time and energy speculating?! If it’s important to you to know, then tell them how important it is to you. If it’s not important, then stop wasting all our time and emotional energy!” My critical part apparently gets more energized watching others do the behavior than when I engage in it myself.

So this morning, I want to come into a space of compassionate curiosity and recognize the benefits of speculation. The parts of me represented above in an internal war against one another all deserve to be held compassionately, appreciated for their hard work to care well for our internal family system. The parts of me as an Enneagram 3 who specialize in 3am hostility toward imagined enemies have worked hard for decades to take care of us, protecting us from danger by speculating from every possible angle what people meant by what they said and did, and predicting what they will say and do if I say this or do that. I notice I just took a big breath and sighed, and my shoulders and torso relaxed for the first time as these parts feel seen and understood.

What are some benefits of speculation? Externally, speculating together with others creates a sense of community. I feel less alone as I hear others worrying about this together with me. We might come up with a creative perspective to guide me in my future relationships. Internally, I get to practice how I want to relate to others. I’m figuring out how to “love my neighbor as I love myself.” I can ask myself what I would want if I were them. What is their love language? What might be motivating them?

I might find a way to see them with more compassion, if I feel I have achieved some understanding of their experience and motivation. As a result, I might feel a little safer–safer in numbers with those speculating together with me, and safer internally by believing I have a greater understanding of what is going on dynamically. If I take the initiative to role-play a potential conversation with a partner, I might relax further with a sense of being prepared to speak in a way that might be well-received and readily understood.

However, the danger of speculation is convincing myself I have understanding, when in fact I merely have projection. A wise woman once told me, “I am a wise woman with decades of experience working with people to solve their problems. I have great intuition and insights. But I have learned the only way to know for sure what a person is thinking and feeling is to ask them.” I would add, and hope they choose to answer honestly and openly, and also hope they know themselves well enough to answer accurately. To facilitate this conversation, I can strategically co-create with the person a space that is safe-enough for some honesty and reflective enough for accuracy. I do this by gently negotiating an informal covenant, leading by example in sharing some of my thoughts and feelings, and inviting them to do the same, in a delicate dance with explicit assurances of trustworthy confidentiality. I clarify my goals of mutual benefits and seek clarity on their goals and beliefs.

Taking the initiative to co-create this safe-enough space requires me to first get centered in all 8 C’s of Self-leadership. I summarize them this way, to help me remember: When I feel nervously anxious, I connect calmly with compassionate curiosity to gain creative clarity with confident courage.

After years of good therapy and self-analysis, I find I can take some slow deep breaths and remind myself of the 8 C’s, and feel enough good energy to carry through a constructive conversation with a person of good will. It seems like the amount of time spent internally in fantasy conversations has lessened as well, replaced with greater peace and gratitude for the beauty and goodness in the world around me. I still don’t like it when I hear others engaging in interminable speculation about another person’s motives, so I center awareness on my chest where it feels hard to breathe, and notice the critic there. Clearly, there is more for me to learn.